The day Ned Flanders finally lost his faith.

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A mock conversation between two make believe beings that don’t really exist, but only one of them really knows it (sic) while the other is still working stuff out
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Ned Flanders in parentheses, shortly after his death from severe heart failure.

(Almighty God in brackets, speaking in a good old-boy deep Southern accent)
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“Well God diddly-dod diddly-done-diddly done-dang diddly-done diddly-dod dang damn-it all to blazes, I’m finally dead. Where’s Maude Heavenly Father?”
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(Calm down Ned, Maude’s not here, but just so you don’t feel so bad at least they gave you an honorary Masonic Lodge sheepskin apron after you died, then at your funeral they threw a sprig of cedar in your hole)
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“Maude’s not here God? But how can that be, God I-believed all of my life that I’d meet all my loved ones in heaven, ‘BOTH’ Maude & I-believed, was it all just a cotton-picking lie, was it only a pile of exaggerated religious horse-hockey? I-really believed in you God!”
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(No you didn’t Ned, you’re only a cartoon character just like Maude was remember, & on the balance of probability it looks like I-am too for that matter, so why get so riled up about it? Kick back & enjoy your delusion)
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“But if I’m only a cartoon character & you’re only a cartoon character, then how come I’m still talking to you like you really exist Huh? Answer-me that big-guy!”
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(Watch your mouth Ned! While I-don’t really exist, I’m still bigger than you in your own mind. But anyway the short answer is all the scriptwriters hate you Ned, & that’s the long answer too, they’re always doing kooky stuff like that just cause they can)
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“But now you’re sounding like reverend Lovejoy God, that ain’t right, he fooled me too.”
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(Relax Ned, he’s a cartoon character like you, they all are, preachers have done stand up comedy ever since Adam got a boner before he knew what to do with it. Reverend Lovejoy & all the others like Benny Hinn, Jessie Duplantis, Kenny Copeland, Billy Graham & Jimmy Swaggart are ‘ALL’ cartoon characters & don’t exist, none of us do, we’re only a figment of your vivid imagination)
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“Jimmy Swaggart & Reverend Billy Graham are here God? Can I-meet them?”

(Of-course not Ned, aren’t you listening, they don’t really exist.)

“What about John Wayne & Audey Murphy God? Are they up here with you?”

(No Ned, nobody is up here, I’m not really here, it’s make believe)

“Well if that doesn’t put  sour pork in your peach-pie I-don’t know what will.”

(Good to see you taking it so well Ned, it’s a shock to most people)

“But what about the guys down at the Masonic Lodge God? They said they were you in a mystical way, they swore on the Holy Book that not only did you exist, you were omnipotent omnipresent & pretty angry most of the time, but you were great at maths & architecture & had 10,000,000,000 servants who used to break rocks in Pharaoh’s quarries before they sinned & became Israelite’s, then died & became archangels.”

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(It’s only myth Ned, didn’t you see your Lodge Master give the sly wink? They’re all cartoon characters Ned, every last son of a-gun one-of-em, it’s even like that in the real world. Matter of fact most Simpson’s scriptwriters are Masons or Jews)
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“But isn’t there anything about you that’s real, God? I’ve believed in you for my entire life now, it’s all so dang diddly-dang diddly-done diddly dang diddly dang diddly-diddly dang-dang diddly-done diddly-done dang-diddly dang-diddly dang-diddly dang diddly-diddly.”

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(Ned, snap out of it, someone must have leaned on the repeat button)

“Thank-you father, I’d thought it was only the Prozac I-took since Maude passed.”

(Snap out of it Ned, I’m ‘NOT’ your father, technically I-don’t even exist)

“Oh-yeah, I-forgot for a minute there God, it’s all so dang-diddly dang-diddly dang-diddly dang-diddly dang-diddly dang-diddly dang-diddly dang-diddly dang.”
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SLAP! (Ned!) SLAP! (Ned! Snap out of it Ned, your fading-out on me)
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“Oh-yeah, right, thank you Lord, but it’s all so dang depressing. Isn’t there anything at all about you that we used to believe that actually ‘IS’ real at all? Any of it at all Lord? What about Moses & the burning bush with the Israelite’s wandering in the desert?”
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(Well Ned, if you take those ten angels of the Jewish kabala you did on Tuesday nights at lodge & put them in a daisy-chain while standing on the point of a pin as they tell a 1000 lies each in perfect unity love & harmony, that pretty well describes my entire existence ever since Pharaoh Ramses first thought of me)
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“You mean, you-mean, you mean after all this, you’re really nothing more than a pack of lies perched on the end of a mystical prick, Lord?”
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(Now you’re getting the general hang of-it Ned, now you’re getting it)

“What about the ‘Son of God’ then God? What about him? Where’s he fit in all this?”

(Thought you’d get round to that Ned, He’s a 1000 light-years away now)

“But is that all there is Lord? Isn’t there some kind of wider reality in the universe? Some kind of bigger religious morality in the cosmos, or even just the galaxy?”
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(Why ask me Ned? Apart from the beliefs of make believe cartoon characters like you I-don’t even exist. Why should that concern you anyway, you’re a cartoon character too, just like me remember. Don’t get too high & mighty & forget who you are)

“Well ‘OK’ Lord, tho this is a bit of a let down, & Er, thanks God. Even if you don’t really exist I’m feeling a little better having this talk with you.”

(Is that all you wanted, Ned? I’ve got other things to do that don’t exist)

“Well Lord, there’s two questions I’ve still got. What about all my fellow Masons & Jews who think all this God stuff is real? What happens to them?”

(You’re an idiot Ned! You’re the only one who ever did believe it)

“That was one dang-diddly dang part of my second question Lord, the second question that always seem to done diddly-done dang float ma moat & drown ma Bobby & Billy goat every dang time I-was ever this close to this question.”

(What is-it, Ned? Are you going to ask me about the devil?)

“Well hell-yeah Lord, it’s the devil Lord, does he really exist, or is he only a cartoon character like you? Cause if he don’t exist, & you don’t exist, then why are we here Lord? What’s it all about? If you’re not real, & he’s not real, what’s it all for?”

(Ned, I’m the devil too!)

“Whoa God, you can’t be!”

(Can-so)

“Can’t!”

(Can)

“Can’t-be.”

(Can-too)

“Well if that don’t beat all, that’s the most dang-diddly dang diddly dang-diddly dang diddly dang diddly really dang-diddly dang diddly-diddly dang diddly.”

SLAP! (Go home Ned!)

“But where ‘IS’ my true home, heavenly father?”

(I’m not your father Ned, I’m only a creation of some Satanic scriptwriters at the Gracie Production company with waaay too much time on their hands after kabala class at the Masons Lodge. Now go away Ned, you’re really starting to bother me big time, don’t forget I’m also known as ‘Satan Lord of Darkness’ too you know)

“OK God, then I’ll just mosey on down to the ‘Great Masonic Lodge in the Sky’ & see what those guys ‘REALLY’ have to say for themselves after I-tell them all this.”

(No you won’t Ned, they don’t exist either remember, it’s all a big mystery)
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ROBBY DANIEL. (Esquire) Kind of copyright…
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PS: Just so’s you know, the true historical Christ was a trouble-making Jew with a mind like a steel bear trap, balls bigger than the state of Texas, a heart deeper than the Marianas Trench, plus an inner badness that I’d never want to cross without good cause or just reason, & even then prefer not to.

He was quite the political activist in the real world & was hated for it, & along with his determination to inspire the little people to be all they could be, as well as offer them a true hope post-supernova, it’s partly why he always told the truth, yet plainly what’s been made out of him & his true story has been added to with some of the most ridiculous lies you could imagine outside of a bad acid trip.

His words seem to have less relevance now to religious reality in the church & elsewhere than the 666th repeat of an old Simpson’s cartoon has to the 1\3 of the US Constitution that is rumored to still exist somewhere.

Anywaaay, expect the real Christ, wearing his ‘ENLIL’ father’s cloned flesh, to be a long long way away from here exactly like he said, far enough away so that the immanent supernova this solar system faces won’t bother the home of the future remnant of humanity, most likely a 1000 light years away, in the ‘REAL’ universe.

He’ll reach his heart into the fire to rescue his own from destruction.

He’ll also rescue some of the ‘PRICKS’ who caused many to perish.

Some of em will be thrown down the event horizon of our galaxy.

Don’t be looking for him in Ned Flander’s cartoon universe, fools.

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How poor Homer Simpson sold his soul to the devil.

(A comment on American-Jewish religious reality)
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While attending a Satanic Mass at Moe’s Tavern after midnight one Saturday night, Homer Simpson finally completely gave in to the little devil that often sat on his shoulder during the weirder Simpson’s episodes & sold his soul to Satan in exchange for wealth, power, fame, sex, knowledge, a muscly body, & of course lots & lots & lots of Duff Beer.

Matter of fact he became the official owner of all Duff Beer stock right there in the Tavern, & Moe & Lenny & Carl all fell down & worshiped him as a god, a human god, a human god who owned the Duff Beer Corporation & had also magically aquired a controlling interest in the Encylopedia Britanica.

Accompanied by two leggy Swedish blondes & a dark haired Russian model, he walked outside to his shiny brand new Rolls Royce to drive down to the Budget Motel he was going to stay at that night, which he also now owned, only to be deliberately run down & immediately killed by President Barry Soiterno’s limo as he stepped into his new motor.

The President’s motorcade was on official business of state, & had itself been speeding through Springtown in a hurry to get past the fiscal-cliff fist-fcuk they faced.

President Barry & his body double, also known as President Barry, had had their own appointment to keep with Satan at the local Tammany House Masonic Lodge that night, so they could both try to arrange to personally make it through one more year in the West Wing of the White House without being somehow rudely assassinated by terrorists, or otherwise assassinated without the usual rudeness normally associated with such things.
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Anyway after the President’s motorcade had run over Homer several times just to make sure he was really dead, Homer Simpson was officially declared deader than the last 1\3 of the old US Constitution. Too late he’d found the trouble with the fine print in his contract with Satan for his soul in exchange for sex power wealth fame & knowledge was that he’d forgotten to insist on insisting an ironclad unbreakable “Long Life Clause” be included.

Aaaaaaah the niavity of the Simple Sons.
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So anyway seeing that Homer was such a big deal in Springtown & his soul would be such a good boast to pull on his Luciferin alter-ego known as the Lord Fraud Almighty, his evil Satanic Highness Satan had decided to pull a swifty & foreclose on poor old Homer’s mortal mortgage before he could default & arrange some form of bridging finance.

Quicker than Fannie Mae & Freddie Mack folded for the likes of Citybank & the US Fed on the old US Housing Market created under the devils’s only true begotten Son, President George Walker Bush, Satan demanded he pay up or shut-up, & poor Homer didn’t have a leg to stand on, or a body either for that matter.

Homer died there early that Sunday morning outside of Moe’s Tavern. He was sadly mourned by everyone in Springtown for being the fat useless slob he’d once been known as, except for Moe & Lenny & Carl who’d secretly morned him at their Masonic Lodge meetings as the muscly tycoon who’d owned the Duff Beer Corporation for 10 lousy minutes.

Only Moe Lenny & Carl, plus of course Marge & the kids, knew he’d gone to a much better & far more evil place than the imaginary city of Springtown could ever be in real life.

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Homer then went up to meet Satan in Paradise. There he found Satan is AKA God Almighty who had a team of lawyers on call 24\7 to sort any kind of problem with details, so in death Homer got a little confused as he got further screwed over, as Homer often did in life too. Aaaah the great Jewish love of eternal dichotomies, what a perfect place to hide a dishonest religion, right underneath a few others of course, like the Jewish controlled Masonry & their Masonic controlled Christianity, not to mention the Jewish controlled Satanism, Lucifer was so very proud of himself.

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ROBBY DANIEL…

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Copyright.

(Relatively)

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PPS: The “Lucifer Anunnaki” literally physically existed on this planet as high-tech ET style kings & priests 400,000 yrs ago, some claim they illegally created humanity by mixing their DNA with the Neanderthal species, matter of fact the 500 y\o Pagen root word “GOD” literally means “Spirit or soul of a deceased earthly priest or king” so have a real laugh & have a good old think too, unless your name is Homer Simpson or Ned Flanders.

(And you’re a total friggin idiot)

Think. think real hard evolved monkey.

Butt don’t forget to laugh at yourselves.

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About spacelizardlaw

Hmmm... Christ implied prophetical people like me get monuments built for them once they're dead so Ye-Hah & Whoopee & don't spare the embalming cream...
This entry was posted in Mockery and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The day Ned Flanders finally lost his faith.

  1. Superb post but I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this topic?
    I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further. Appreciate it!

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